My Husband is Not my Soul Mate: A Rebuttal


(Click here to read the blog post I’m responding to in this post)

To start – she is right in some ways, but her post is so far from striking a balance between sovereignty, free will, and the role of seeking God with all your heart and making decisions out of your relationship with him (Heb 11:6). However, this is just a post, emphasizing one side, so I have no idea if this is her complete view. But, I’ll still continue …

90% of the post is about free will and about how our decisions become God’s will for us (sort of a scary perspective but she is right in some ways, but this is not biblical when it comes to decision-making).

I do think everything she says – about choosing to love her spouse today, tomorrow, and until she dies – has everything to do with being an awesome, proactive spouse who’s not self-absorbed with a marriage-is-all-about-me attitude. She is level-headed and wise; she  knows love is a choice that doesn’t always have goosebumps, butterflies, infatuation, or obsession as her impetus. But she altogether rejects the idea that God had a will for her to marry because she implies that it would be about her at that point.

The good news: the love of God is so amazing that it’s possible to confuse it with being all about you.

But we know that is it not. And Hannah’s post points us to that solid truth.

She is right when she points to how self-centered people became (me included!) about seeking a spouse, even as how we have been taught to see Jer 29:11 as about us – “God has a plan for you, to prosper you and not to harm you.” It’s a distortion, because it makes us – and our receiving certain things/happiness – as the supreme reason for God’s work when we know the ultimate reason for all things is his glory. God is most concerned about his glory.

I formerly believed in THE ONE and that isn’t because I believed marriage was about the perfect person crafted just for me – as the cheesy song says, “When God made you, he must have been thinking about me.” But after studying God’s Word for myself – and processing it with so many people, I came to the conclusion that deciding on a spouse is the second most important decision of your entire life because it impacts everything – especially who you think God has called you to be for his kingdom.

So, to reduce the choice of a spouse to “I chose to be with him, and he with me even though I lived in France for a year” makes it sound as if God is not actively involved nor has a will in who you will marry – which also implies that he is not personal. I cannot reduce the choice of a partner to “oh wherever the wind blows him, or blows me” as if a life on autopilot happens to be God’s will for my life. With God, his future for his children is so personal, but at the same time it is not about us. Like I said before – her angle is good perspective for maintaining a marriage, but not in deciding on whom you will marry. It is too impersonal.

Marriage is not just God’s means to sanctify you.

Marriage isn’t boot camp to become more like Jesus. Marriage was created before the church – and it is the ultimate display of the gospel.  It’s just as much about how you are perceived, understood, and observed as a couple in the world – you reflect something greater than yourself. We all know following the Lord has everything to do with listening. But according to the content of her post she and her husband just happened to end up together by simply choosing to be together through various stages of their relationship. Her view is too small and it reduces marriage to be too natural – and absent of God’s sovereign and personal hand in everyone’s life.

So, now, my belief is that God is leading me to one person, and he will give me peace about that one person, and that is God’s will – both his personal and his overall will to further sanctify me. And, we will bring God more glory together than we did separately. So, if x person dies, divorces me, etc does that mean it wasn’t God’s will? No, peace from God to marry that person did not come with a risk-free guarantee or a lifetime warranty (heck, I wish!). But, that person was God’s will at that point in time.

So, yes, God is leading all of us to one person for that point in time, and if that person is who God wanted (known by seeking him through prayer, having peace, godly counsel, and discernment), and even if it wasn’t (because some settle for someone they do not have peace about, and proceed anyway) – God can still do incredible things – although those who settle will never know what might have been had they waited, pressed into the Lord, and waited for his timing and peace from his Spirit.

Final Thoughts

So, does it matter if you live your life on autopilot without seeking God and asking him for wisdom and choosing to trust him with hard decisions? You bet it does. Deciding to marry someone without consulting God is taking a scary amount of control over you life. Maybe this is due to a deeply held belief in free will alone, God’s “inactivity,” or believing God’s desire to sanctify you trumps his personal, loving guidance in your life. All of which could lead someone to force the future they want.

But this is true: God is love. There is no fear in love, and his love will progressively cast fear out of your life because his will is both personal and not about us. It can be confusing in the same way as believing in sovereignty and free will.

“All of creation eagerly awaits the for revealing of the sons [and daughters] of God (Romans 8:19).” It is through yielding and through lordship, that God is bringing his kingdom to earth, not by coasting through life and calling it his will.

A life on autopilot does not honor God. Be intentional. Seek God’s wisdom, seek God’s guidance – especially in whom you decide to marry. And afterwards, take up the advice of Hannah’s post.

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3 thoughts on “My Husband is Not my Soul Mate: A Rebuttal

  1. I like your review of Hannah’s blog. While what you say is partial truth, there is still more to it than that. I like you approach to priority in relationship with God. There are only two covenantal decisions/paths in life that determine all other future decisions/paths: 1. the decision to follow Christ, 2 the decision who to marry, The sequence is essential…

    I submit an extreme thought: I think any mature Christian man and woman who have just met each other can marry for the purposes of loving God and glorifying Him as their foremost thought. Their focus would be to serve one-another as Christian brother and sister..and their marriage would be more Christian and devoted and glorifying to God since it would never be about his’ and her’s personal selves…but unto the Lord in all things. No chance for selfishness… and their love would be a daily decision of devotion. They would start out at the point Hannah was now discovering in her own heart. She certainly was growing in the Lord.

    Also, I wouldn’t dismiss what God does in anyone’s personal sphere of experience in a previous season… God is personal and He works in seasons … no two persons are the same and no two seasons are the same. We should never judge this season while we’re in it…can only judge a season after it is over and we’re into another season and have perspective and wisdom to see it in the context of the journey.

    I think Hannah is walking that walk… and too, when she has her own teen daughter, I wonder what she will say then…

    My wife and I always gave guidance and trained our children (all now adults with their own godly families) with the statement…”we thinking about our grandchildren in all that we do…so someday when you are in our shoe’s as parents you’ll understand then…for now you can trust and obey.”.. and “trust does not require understanding.”

    Parents have two fundamental task with their children: the first, in early years, is to get their kid’s eyes on their parents and, the second, when of age, is to get their eyes off of themselves (their parents) and on to the Lord. Most can do the first well,,but not so well with the second…

    The best way to prepare for marriage is to be born of believing parents who honor the Lord and each other and point their kids to Him… but how many don’t have that these days? So the “kids” need to decide to become that kind of adult and parent in their own lives and they will be ready.

    Much more to share…this is enough for now. Godspeed to Hanna and James! We’ll check on them in 10 years and see the fruit then… and Godspeed to the owner of this blog.. great rebuttal…actually it was more of fair and transparent journalistic analysis of Hannah’s thoughts with dimension added on a few points…good stuff!

  2. Neesha, I just read one of your previous blogs about fear of leaving and letting go again (from April)… I just had to offer this:
    Your words…” In the same way, except to a greater degree it seems, I’m struggling with the fear of letting go again and believing, with the same confidence, that I will be met me on the other side, back in the US. My confidence is building day-by-day as I meditate on passages of Scripture, and also, this song by The Fray that has helped to center me and remind me not to worry: Be Still.”
    Why be so timid?…the family of God in the Body of Christ are all close relatives ready to know you, all brothers and sisters… Let not your heart be troubled!
    When using a telescope make sure you are looking thru the right end.

  3. Nice post. This is an interesting issue which is often confusing and sometimes my view on it even changes based on different things I see.

    I do believe God has a plan for my life, but we often let it limit who we will go out for coffee with based on what we think God’s plan is for our lives.

    I know so many women that aren’t proactive enough because they think that The One will show up and so they refuse to date anyone at all unless the guy has a halo, Bible, WWJD bracelet and guitar singing Christian classic songs. Then once they get a bit older suddenly they realise that guys like that don’t actually exist, but sometimes they don’t realise this until they are in their late 20s or 30s.

    Like everything, I think God doesn’t want us to live in fear but be a bit more active in our life as that is the time in life which have challenged me the most. I am not saying date every guy that asks you out, but it just seems that especially by recent experience, that what someone thinks they want in a potential partner and what God has inmstore for someone is totally different, but that makes life far more interesting. As a guy, I thought I would end up with a girl totally into sports and movies who loves cider and watching the footy, but God has other ideas. Does this mean my fiancee is the One? She is now, but I think that what I thought The One would be like and what The One is, can be totally different. I just hate when people limit who their husband could be by what they thought they want in a partner.

    I do believe God has a plan for my life, but we often let it limit who we will go out for coffee with based on what we think God’s plan is for our lives.

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